today, as i was driving along the road, a road close to home that i used to drive on frequently, i realized that something looked different. i wasn’t sure what it was at first, but then i realized that they had cut down all of the trees on the side of the road and behind the barbed-wire fence. “of course”, i thought, “they’re building something.” it was kind of sad.
and that’s when i decided that i hate change.
i spent the rest of the time in car thinking about change.
change happens in the fall. the leaves change colors.
change happens when you graduate high school. you move away, you talk to your old friends less.
change happens when you go to the hair salon. your hair gets shorter and might change colors.
change happens all the time.
i understand that it is a way of life. change brings progress, but initially i never enjoy it. i practically beg for it- when can i move somewhere new? when can i buy new clothes? when will i graduate college? but when it happens, i usually don’t enjoy it. it makes me uncomfortable.
even on my birthday. it’s really strange because i LOVE my birthday. i have birthday month. but, every year without missing a beat this funny little feeling pops up. and i always wonder where it comes from, but now i am kind of understanding. when i turn a year older, some might even say smarter, it’s a whole year of my life past. i always think, i will never be (insert last age) again. and it leaves me feeling weird and nostalgic. maybe that’s the word that i’m searching for. nostalgic. i look forward to another year, new opportunities, but i’m always kind of sad to leave behind another one.
when i was a kid, i had about 50 stuffed animals. no lie. and every night i would INSIST that they all sleep with me in my top bunk. i would lay them all over the place and fit them wherever i could. it didn’t matter if i couldn’t feel my legs, i just needed them to all be included. (you know, since they were all actually alive and had feelings). maybe a cheesy example, but that’s kind of what it’s like. i don’t want a year to be forgotten, so i stuff my brain with as many memories of the past year as possible. i just don’t want to forget. not only the good, but also the bad.
i’m not really sure where i’m going with this. i think that i just wanted to remind myself to enjoy change and to enjoy every tiny moment. i’m not always going to be (insert age here).